I haven't been a religious person. Honestly, it's been hard for me to believe that someone omnipotent is up there. But I have an interest in talking about religion and participating in religious events. That`s why I joined a Zen practice and a Christmas party last week.
It was my second time visiting the temple So-ji-ji (総持寺). Everytime I go there, a sculpture of Buddha is smiling as if he's welcoming my visit. I took a tour at the temple guided by a monk. This time was with a friend and two professors, one from Tsurumi University and the other from Australia. In the spacious and remarkably clean site, there was a soothing atmosphere and I became very calm inside. After the tour, we meditated for about 15 minutes. It is called 'Za-zen (座禅)', and although I'm not supposed to think anything during it, various thoughts came to mind. I think practicing it everyday will bring some level of peace in me.
I was touched by the letter they gave me as a present at the end of the party. Every sentence was quoted from various parts of the Bible and edited into one continuing letter. It was like a letter that God has actually written for me. I got surprised reading it from the beginning, 'My dear beloved daughter', as I wasn't expecting something so intimate. And by the following words, I was so moved. Someone whose existence I didn't even know of has been loving me? I translated some of the letter into English.
'My dear beloved daughter,
You don't know me, but I know everything about you.
I can count every move that you sit or stand,
And even every hair on you.
I knew you before I created you in the womb,
And I chose you since the creation of the world,
You were made not by a coincidence, but in my plans.
…
I want to give you my love generously,
As you are my child and I am your father.
...
You are my precious treasure.
...
I will never leave you or desert you.
I will always be with you.
I love you till the end of the world.
From your loving father'
My first religion-related memory was at the age 5. My aunt tried to tempt me, saying I can get many cookies and presents if I come to the chapel. I hesitated between the cookies and the Disney animation that was regularly on TV at the same time. At the end, I turned down the proposal and chose Disney. From then, my life has been far from any kind of religion. I visited a Protestant church, Catholic church or temple from time to time, but I couldn't feel anything. But from last week, I started to think maybe there is a God. Or maybe I just want to believe that there is. I don't know. I'll find out this Christmas Eve in the church.